(THE GODS OF GREYHOUND HATE ME) LAWD PLEASE MAKE MEGABUS A BETTER PLACE.
THE SOUNDTRACK...
I am about to catch Megabus tomorrow.
Now it's my first time catching one but back in the day I used to catch Trailways until it shut down and I didn't catch another bus until1983.
By then it was Greyhound and nothing else in the south.
Now my history with Greyhound is s rather colorful one.
The Greyhound bus gods hate me.
The first time I caught Greyhound the driver threatened to kick me off in the middle of nowhere.
Palmettos, pine trees and nothing else, the last thing I had looked up and seen was a prison.
The bus just pulled to the side of the road and this big ass redneck was in my face talking bout he was gonna call the Sheriff.
My crime you ask?
Loud headphones.
It was the advent of personal cassette players.
I was playing Afrika Bambaata at the time.
After accessing my situation I turned my headphones down.
I was on my way to my first physical for the army.
It went downhill from there excluding the two times I had sex on the Greyhound, I guess you just gotta have high points sometimes in the midst of turmoil.
My misfortunes include the time I was at a Greyhound station in Tallahassee Fl and was catching a bus to Atlanta and met this cool ass dude from Miami.
Dude was clean in a Miami pImp kinda way.
I met him and we talked for awhile and he said he wanted to smoke some weed and I said I had some so we walked over to a concrete wall about a half a block away from the station and he started to tell me his story.
How he had met a woman and came to Tallahassee to be with her but he was tired of her shit.
I sympathized with his story cause it was some good ass weed and we went back into the bus station.
Back then they had them lil bitty TVs on chairs and they would line them up in tight rows and I always would always go to the very back corner and feed the tv quarters and watch the news and shit.
Dude sat next to me and we continued talking.
Good weed and shit.
All of a sudden it got dark like a cloud had passed in front of the sun and I heard a deep voice say. "Where you thank you goin motherfucker?"
I looked up and saw the biggest woman I had ever seen in my life.
She had on a mumu and she musta weighed 640 pounds.
At this moment dude chose to say the worst shit he could said given the circumstances.
He said "I'm tired of yo shit bitch.
All I saw was this big woman reach into her bosom which coulda held a whole army of midget warriors.
She pulled out something far worse
What she pulled out was a straight razor.
It was a this point I started screaming like a bitch.
Out of every weapon known to man the straight razor is the one I fear the most since I saw the movie The Revenge of J.D. Walker back in the days.
The only thing that saved us was the fact that that big ass woman couldn't squeeze through the chairs which were bolted to the floor.
She was yelling bout dude had stole her money and food stamps and he was talking shit back to her and I was still screaming like a bitch.
I finally caught hold of the rail but dude was backed up against me and I couldn't pull myself out.
I looked back and saw a security dude grab the big woman but she slung him off like he was a fly.
I was thinking "Oh lawd I'm bout to die in a Greyhound bus station. I knew this was where it was gonna happen."
All of a sudden 4 police and bout 3 security guards wrestled her big ass to the ground and led her away and took dude to the office to talk to him.
I shook all their hands and one of them said that they needed to talk to me.
It was at this moment my bus pulled up.
I kindly told him no and damn near ran over everybody trying to get on the bus.
I knew bout Greyhound leaving your ass since they had tried to leave me in South Carolina once.
I was buying fried chicken at the time.
I told you all this cause I sure hope Megabus and me dont have as colorful history as the one I have had with Greyhound.
I'm to old for that shit.
JERALD HAMZAHFARUQ MURPHY
